


The Meaning of Words

by CatKing_Catkin



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Aftercare, Angst, BDSM, Cecil is Mostly Human, Comfort, Dom/sub, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Male Slash, Mental Breakdown, POV Character of Color, Romance, Safeword Use, Safewords, Slash, Speculation, Talking, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-15
Updated: 2013-08-15
Packaged: 2017-12-23 14:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/927398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatKing_Catkin/pseuds/CatKing_Catkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Welcome to Night Vale kink meme, prompt - "Sub!Cecil starts freaking out in the middle of a scene, or immediately after a scene, shaking, crying, cuddling into Carlos. Carlos asking why he didn't safeword and Cecil trying to convince him he's fine, really, nothing's wrong."</p><p>Things have been going well. Cecil is an enthusiastic sub, and Carlos tries to be a good and attentive Dom. But nobody is perfect, and sometimes, the right ideas don't get communicated. Cecil has taken the most intense things Carlos can offer him before now and smiled. So when Cecil breaks down in a panic in the middle of a scene, Carlos is terrified, and desperate to make him feel safe again. And he's not taking "I'm fine" for an answer this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Meaning of Words

There was a lot about Cecil that Carlos didn't really understand, and maybe never would.  
  
But over the last few months, he had become incredibly familiar with what served as aftercare to his lover. And Carlos, who slipped up at so many other important aspects of their relationship, who still struggled with feeling unworthy to be with this bright, beautiful man, had resolved to at least be a good Dom for him.  
  
Cecil was normally an enthusiastic sub, willing and eager to try out so many different things. Teased with a feather toy or flogged until he bled, tied hand and foot or left with only Carlos' orders not to move, fucked until he came again and again or forbidden to come until he'd been pushed to his limit, slow and gentle or hard and rough. Cecil relished pain as much as pleasure, and had said more than once that all he wanted was Carlos to be with him.  
  
Later on, Carlos would look back and kick himself for suggesting sensory deprivation. Cecil thrived so much on his senses, loved interacting with the world so much, of course sensory deprivation would shake him. But when he'd thoughtlessly proposed it, Cecil had agreed. And he'd trusted that Cecil would tell him if it went too far, give him a sign that he was in pain or scared, even if it had never happened before...  
  
He hadn't even gagged him. Blindfolded him, covered his ears with muffs, but he hadn't blindfolded him, just ordered him not to make a noise, so he'd be sure to hear the safeword and wouldn't risk missing a hand signal. But Cecil had never safeworded. He'd finally broken down in tears, in a way that told Carlos something was badly wrong, and when he'd flinched away, crying "No" as Carlos touched him, he'd all but tripped over himself in his haste to unlock the cuffs and tear the blindfold away.  
  
Carlos knew the protocol, after a scene. He knew it by heart, after all this time, and treasured the little ritual that was aftercare. After they were finished, Cecil liked be touched, but the contact had to be light. Holding his hand was fine and welcome, holding him was not. He needed a bit of space to unwind from the intense emotions of a scene after throwing himself into it, but he also needed to know that he wasn't alone, that Carlos was still here for him and loved him. Cecil liked to be talked to - he wouldn't respond, he would often get eerily silent, after a scene, but Carlos had eventually learned that it was just his way of relaxing and letting go for a little while.  
  
Cecil was usually calm, afterwards. Weak, tired, a little disoriented, hungry for affection, but basically calm and together. He would even smile, leaving Carlos in no doubt that he'd enjoyed himself.  
  
It tore at Carlos to see Cecil like _this_ , instead, see him shaking and sobbing so hard that he was having trouble breathing, to know that he had even indirectly caused him this torment. What made it worse was that Cecil was trying to talk even as he cried, and what he was trying to say: "I'm sorry, Carlos, I've messed up everything, I'm s-so disappointing, you m-must hate me..."

Carlos made himself stay together, stay calm, resisted the impulse to hug Cecil and cry with him, even as his heart broke.  
  
Instead, he went through their usual routine - Cecil obviously needed the security, to know that things hadn't changed. He left his side just long enough to go to the closet and retrieve Cecil's usual blanket. "Ssh," he said softly, kneeling down beside his boyfriend again and settling the blanket over his shoulders. Cecil flinched at the sudden contact, his breath hitching in his throat. But, after a moment, moving like a man in a dream, he drew the blanket more tightly around himself. "Ssh, Cecil, it's okay. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." His hand found Cecil's and held it. "I don't hate you, why would I hate you? I love you, the same as always."  
  
He hadn't thought it was possible for Cecil to cry any harder. But he did, at those words, pressing his face into his hands and curling up small as though he wanted to disappear. "You don't, you shouldn't, you're too beautiful, I'm not good enough..."  
  
"I do. I love you." Trembling with the effort of containing himself, Carlos rested a hand on Cecil's back, rubbing lightly. Something ugly had clearly burst inside the radio host, and he needed to get it out. And no matter how much it hurt Carlos to see, he knew that to leave Cecil now or break down with him might ruin them forever. Later, when he was safely alone, when Cecil was okay, he would let himself be hurt by this, but not now. For now, he just stroked Cecil's hair, reached down to brush some of his tears away. "Why wouldn't I? You're sweet, clever, brilliant, _beautiful_. I am so lucky to have you, to be with you..."  
  
It took a long while. But eventually, finally, Cecil fell silent, and his sobs trailed away to muffled crying and then to nothing but the occasional weak hiccup. Carlos got him to lay down properly on the floor, stretched out on his stomach with his head pillowed on his arms, letting muscles cramped by his restraints unwind and relax. All the while, Carlos touched him gently, murmured to him, poured out all the love he felt for Cecil in the way it sometimes seemed he only could like this.  
  
He made himself wait until Cecil was calm before asking the question that had been on his mind from the moment everything had started to go wrong.  
  
"Cecil...why didn't you use the safeword?"  
  
"Mountain" for stop. He'd made sure they both knew it before ever starting this phase of their relationship.

"I didn't need to," Cecil mumbled, still sounding a little dazed. "I really didn't, you seemed like you were enjoying yourself, as much as I could tell, and it wasn't so terrible, I don't know what came over me..."  
  
"Hey." Carlos let his voice take on a little of that edge it did when he took on his role as Cecil's Dom. He shook the other man, gently but firmly, just to make sure Cecil was listening. He had been enjoying himself. That wasn't the point. "Don't do that. This isn't about me, this isn't about pleasing me. This is about you being _safe_ with me, and me taking care of you."  
  
"I know that I'm safe with you, you take wonderful care of me..."  
  
"Shush. I'm not angry with you, Cecil. I'm not offended. I'm _scared._ We're both into some intense things when we're together like this. Intense even for this place. I could _hurt_ you, and that is the last thing I ever want to do. Forgetting to safeword happens. But if you can't accept that there's a purpose to safewording, if you're determined to push yourself too far out of some... _messed up_ desire to satisfy me..." _...then we can't do this anymore_ , he almost said, but bit his tongue, knowing how Cecil was likely to take that in the state he was in. "...it would be bad. For both of us. Cecil, knowing that you trust me enough to tell me when to stop, that is one of the most important things about this kind of relationship."  
  
Back when Carlos had first gotten into the lifestyle, his first few partners hadn't told him that. His first few Doms had acted just as Cecil was clearly afraid he would act, taken the use of a safeword as a betrayal, or a criticism. When it wasn't, it was just something that happened, even with two partners who truly trusted and loved each other. Carlos still had the scars and the phobias from those relationships. He was determined not to leave similar marks on Cecil.  
  
"...of course I trust you, Carlos. I know that you would never want to hurt me. At least...if I didn't want you to hurt me."  
  
Carlos smiled, letting himself feel relieved. "Then show me, next time. If you can, if you can think that far, if you're ever scared or too overwhelmed, just say that word and we'll stop. I'll always stop if I see you're hurt when you don't want to be, but I can't always tell what's part of a scene or what isn't. But I'll always be listening."  
  
Moving slowly, still obviously a little sore, Cecil pushed himself upright. He moved closer to Carlos, reaching out, and Carlos pulled him close in a soft embrace. Cecil sighed in relief, closing his eyes and resting his head against Carlos' chest, listening to his heartbeat. Given what Carlos had heard the first and so far only time he'd put a stethoscope against Cecil's chest, he supposed he could understand the fascination.  
  
"I couldn't be sure it was you, anymore," Cecil whispered. "I started wondering, what if you'd been killed or kidnapped, what if you'd left and someone else was touching me. It felt like your perfect skin, but maybe I was only dreaming..."  
  
Carlos nodded, and held him, and made all the right soothing noises to help Cecil keep talking. He was touched that Cecil was even trying to sort out of his feelings, finding the courage to share them so that they both could understand. And Carlos was resolved to listen, and remember, and do what he could to make sure this never happened again.

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of had fun thinking about this. I really do think that Cecil would be able to put up with, and even enjoy a lot, in a BDSM situation. Especially if it was Carlos doing those things to him. Even if Cecil can feel pain (and I headcanon that he does), I think you'd kind of have to enjoy pain on some level to live where he does and do what he does. 
> 
> But I also think when Carlos was explaining how things would work at him, he would just totally space out and just focus on the fact that, oh my god, Carlos wants to have a special relationship with me, I get to hear his beautiful voice telling me what to do~! And I think the idea that you can...*stop* someone from hurting you just by asking would be kind of new to him. Hence, yeah, Cecil not understanding what safewords are for at first. 
> 
> And basically he's just so enthusiastic about *everything* that I figured if anything would upset him, sensory deprivation would do the job. 
> 
> Basically this was a fun little character study exercise and I hope you had fun reading it and I hope I still managed to keep everyone vaguely IC! Now I kind of want to write a crossover where Carlos smacks Christian Grey for putting bad ideas about BDSM into people's heads.


End file.
